Diva Moments.

The most observant among you may have noticed some changes to my side-bar... the new addition "Diva Moments" is a selection of audio files of yours truly warbling away on Sunday mornings. Unfortunately, the one I really wanted, which is me singing a lovely piece of Vivaldi at Christmas, has gone. Disappeared into smoke... When I got the DVD of the service, I discovered that it was not in fact, a DVD of the service but actually, a DVD of Raymond and Higuchi san checking the sound system... damn.

Yes, all right...

It didn't take me long.... monumentally miffed, ok?!

The Vicar of Dibley...

Just because we could really... obviously anyone who has never seen the said sitcom, will not recognise these strains of Howard Goodall (who also wrote the theme tunes for Blackadder and Red Dwarf) being absolutely slaughtered by the TUC Sanctuary Choir but we had a blast.... I love this song and it only took me 2 years to get Shiozawa san to agree to it and I was only *slightly* miffed that he gave the solo to Kumiko... only SLIGHTLY.....

It's official...

Shiozawa san asked and I said yes... to quote Eleanor, I have "pimped myself out to TUC" and will be being Not Kumiko's Stunt Double for just one day... First Sunday in December, I think...

Also had meeting with staff today to tell them about the merger and discovered that thanks to gossip from the other school- they already knew. Was very pissed off, we all went for dinner at Mongolian restaurant. Am now completely ratted.

So as I was saying..

So I haven't blogged for quite a while, not about anything coherent or sensible anyway... I mentioned a while ago that I had changed my mind about leaving TUC. Well, I kind of changed my mind again over the course of a few months... I have become absolutely sick of the fact that the admin team are still carrying out their Machiavellian schemes, including the complete remodelling of the lobby which is a bit of a long story. Essentially, an anonymous donor gave the church a substantial sum of money specifically to have the lobby remodelled. Frankly, it doesn't need doing, well unless you count the fact that we could do with another loo. But that isn't what has me annoyed - it's the fact that I firmly believe that the "Admin" should not arbitrarily be accepting money on our behalf for fatuous remodelling. It is my understanding that at no point was this even raised for discussion at council, it was just announced... Now I could be wrong, but surely it is their responsibility to say to the donor "Well, you know, it's awfully nice of you to offer but actually, to be honest we don't need the money for that... BUT... we could really use it for this...." The same could be said for the extension of the dais at the front of the sanctuary; the Austrian Ballet in Tokyo, whose directors happen to go to TUC donated the cash for that to "facilitate the performance of stuff" but like, we don't need that doing and we DO need the balcony remodelling so that the choir don't have to turn sideways to watch Shiozawa san and thus sing into the organ rather than into the sanctuary... perhaps I'm biased... I really can't tell but a little voice deep inside me suspiciously thinks that if the Austrian Ballet in Tokyo were not planning to dance on it - they would not be donating the money for it... although apparently, they have said that we (TUC) are under no obligation to have them dance on it... Whatever... So I'm annoyed about that, I'm still boiling about all the Koinonia business and Pastor Barry's lack of involvement, despite the fact that Wally told him all about it while I was in Singapore. I was also kind of sick of being Kumiko's stunt double, I mean I do get it, you know, the whole cultural thing... seniority counts, blah blah blah... but all I want to do is sing dammit... Which is why, when presented with the opportunity to do just that, I am having the dilemma I mentioned before because I so want to tell TUC to shove it and refuse to sing for them or infact, do anything for them, but I want to sing that piece, I really do... On the other hand, I have been toying with the idea of joining the Anglican church - it's a tough decision, I put together a list of pros and cons... In no particular order they are...

St Albans - Good Points.

It's on my train line and therefore only one train.

The building is nice.

They have a real pipe organ.

Communion is at the altar rail.

The liturgy is reasonably traditional.

Sunday School is during the service so kids aren't in the service.

The sermon I heard was solid, I liked his delivery and he had a good point.

Less Good Points.

It is a good 15 minute walk from the station.

Pews are not very comfortable.

The worship I was part of was fairly joyless, I haven't heard the choir yet but I have heard their resident diva.

If I am going to be anybody's stunt double, at least Kumiko is a very good singer... St Alban's resident diva is not.

Some annoying kids don't go to Sunday school.

They have modernised the liturgy slightly so some of the words are naff.

I don't know if that sermon was representative.


TUC - Good Points

Choir.

Mary-of-the-uncommonly-good-sense.

Nancy, my surrogate Mum.

Wally.

Jean-who-Prays-with-a-capital-P

It's 2 minutes from the station.

Being Not Kumiko's stunt double for just one day.


Less Good Points

It's an hour away on two or three trains depending on which way I go.

Pastor Barry's sermons are good but they are too long and I can't concentrate.

Sunday school is not during the service and most parents don't discipline their kids, I can't stand that.

Admin have highly questionable principles.

The man to whom I am no longer allowed to refer as Boy Wonder because Sunsook doesn't like it and I suspect Mary-of-the-uncommonly-good-sense doesn't either...

Being Kumiko's stunt double.

I tell you, I never thought it would be such a tough decision... I feel so uncomfortable about the fact that I only want to stay at TUC because I so desperately want to sing that song and if I am completely honest, it doesn't have much to do with God either... It's not like I won't miss my friends but on the other hand it's not like I will never see them again, either... When did my ego get so big...?

My Ego

Well, I don't know that I've mentioned it but since my last blast about TUC, I have been attempting to try out the Anglicans of late. They have several good points which I shall go into later in more detail but the most impressive being the fact that they are using Fair Trade coffee at fellowship hour (where's the tea? That's what I want to know!) on the other hand, TUC's Choir Sunday will feature John Rutter's Requiem, and rumour has it that Shiozawa san wants yours truly to sing the below... or above whereever imeem.com makes it come out on my post..

The thing is, that this is CLEARLY a soprano number and as we all know - I am only Kumiko's stunt double! The kudos of this is unimaginable, not to mention the fact that my voice was obviously born for this high pitched floaty stuff and not the rich fruity stuff Kumiko gets to enjoy blasting out. So, I am faced with a dilemma, which given the state of the world is nothing in the grand scheme, however, my ego versus my principles...? What to do... I dearly want to tell him I'm not doing it but I don' t think I can resist the temptation of getting my very own soprano solo that isn't because Kumiko is off elsewhere or ill or not able to get to rehearsal...

Interesting news, just in...

Snippets of gossip overheard by Our Man on the Inside at some point recently... According to Jody Fuller, if "people don`t like what`s in the Koinonia, they don`t have to read it..." Too right!
However, this only compounds my disappointment in her really; if that is her honest opinion, then why didn`t she issue forth at the fateful admin meeting....?

Also in today from the same source, Debbie Hayman - (see above link if you haven`t already) - is putting together an issue of Koinonia for publication in the not too distant future... I think I will refrain from commenting on the actual publication for now but this again, just goes to increase my suspicions that for whatever reason, La Hayman, is slowly trying to take over TUC. I mean I believe I mentioned that both the former Vice-President and the Treasurer are about as much use as a wet weekend in Paris, possibly less so, and Jody Fuller obviously disagreed with the decision although she apparently didn`t do much about it... so why is La Hayman so anti-EvilNestle being criticised, first of all, but second, how come she has SO much influence... Just because she is the President of the Congregation, doesn`t mean she owns the Church - she`s just supposed to represent us, so when did she start running it and why can no one seem to do anything about her....?

Even more suspicious, our friend, let`s call him P.F. for the sake of his anonymity, a long time friend of TUC and hounded off the council by our former Pastor through some more than unfortunate circumstances into which I will not go just now, was nominated by Our Man on the Inside to stand as a personnel officer now that one of them has been transferred overseas. The nomination didn`t get any further than being made due to La Hayman`s desire not to have him on the council again... She apparently is being backed by the youth elder, a person I also dislike immensely for being the loudest voice in the no-you-can`t-run-your-own-service- on-Christmas-Day- debate... Now granted, our man, P.F., is not someone you want to give a microphone to, as you will be listening to him for the rest of the day - he has never learnt how to be succinct - however, he has a totally good heart and has the best interests of the church in mind and has given much of his life to her cause... so this strikes me as more than a bit unfair and I will ask again, where do La Hayman and her friend get so much power that they can quash a nomination for council before the rest of the council gets to hear it...? As I thought, something is very, very wrong at TUC.

Letters, 4.

This may well not appeal to certain readers; as ever, I write this for myself. If you wish not to read it, don't.

Dear Colin,

It has been a fair while since our last correspondence. Frankly I have been trying to concentrate on more important things, so I let the fact that during the children's talk a few weeks ago, you suggested the children follow the leaders of our church blindly instead of thinking for themselves about whether they are being led in the right direction and the making a decision for themselves, go. This morning's sermon however, frankly appalled me. Preaching on Esther and Mordecai was a good topic, preaching on standing up, and trying to challenge people's thinking and doing something to make a difference was inspired. You then exhorted us to use our God-given gifts to do the same. If I had not being trying so hard to restrain my sarcastic laughter, I would have cried. Given the events of recent months regarding my own use of my gifts and attempts to challenge people's thinking and your response to that, forgive me if I ask How Dare You? How ******* DARE you?

Yours etc etc

Cheese

OK, Nancy has come up with a way to amuse me and make singing all the dreadful rubbish I have to belt out, halfway bearable!

We shall be awarding each piece a "cheese rating" somewhat like the Michelin Star system but instead of 5 stars for excellence, we will be dishing out Camemberts for cheese factor.

Anything Baroque or pre-Baroque will obviously not be getting any Camemberts because it is all classy and non-cheesy stuff. However, anything will awful lyrics, and/or repetitive music, will be under scrutiny.

Starting with a piece donated by our very own Pastor-Idol, Barry Dawson, called "Bring to the Lord a Song" or something equally uninspired, which he loves so much that he will actually be joining us to sing it - Dreadful load of rot, absolutely cheese-mungus, I have already given it a whopping 5 Camemberts

According to certain parties, parts of my blog are not very amusing, indeed, apparently my *Letters* are becoming "tiresome". Sorry about that, but as I have said before, my blog is mine. In other words, it is not for you, it is for me.
I never promised entertainment, in fact I believe what I said was that most people would probably not enjoy it. It is what it is. Cathartic. Therapeutic. Maybe it's not what you had in mind but as I have also said before, this is a free country. May I respectfully suggest that if you are not enjoying reading it, perhaps you should stay away for a while until I have finished venting my spleen. To your suggestion commenter, do you not think that if there were that I would be doing?!

Letters, 3.

Dear Colin,

I must say that this has come somewhat sooner than I expected but I find myself so puzzled by the email you sent following the one concerning Christmas that I thought I had better drop you a quick line and clarify a couple of points.

You say that you imagine that I find "all this discussion about Koinonia rather frustrating" - sorry, what discussion would that be, exactly? The last time I recall speaking to you at all, as I remember it, I was sat at the office computer swearing under my breath because I had just lost two whole hours worth of my work as it was doing that annoying thing where it refuses to recognise any external discs and won't save anything and then it crashes so you lose everything again. Now to the best of my recollection, the conversation went something like this:

BW: Are you working on the Koinonia?

T: Yes and I am not best pleased as I have just lost two hours work...

BW: Oh, why's that?

T: Because it is doing that annoying thing where it refuses to recognise any external discs and then it crashes so you lose everything again so I am not in the best mood.

BW: Yes, it can be frustrating sometimes, well I guess I'll leave you to it.

T: Yeah, see you.

Obviously, that may well not be verbatim, my memory is not fantastic at details when I am irritated, but it was something like that. So when exactly did we "discuss" anything?

On the other hand, I do most definitely recall that at no time did you ask me when I would be finished, or what I usually do with the Koinonia when it *is* finished. Which, incidentally, is to put a hard copy on Megumi's desk, with a big old note that says "Megumi, here is the absolute final version of the Koinonia." A fact which, had you bothered to ask, you could easily have found out. I also remember quite clearly that you did not ask if you could see it when it was done. Now I realise that you do have a right to see it before publication since you are, in accordance with the church by-laws, acting on behalf of the pastor in his or her absence -(we will leave the "discussion" as to why you are only choosing to do this with selected duties, not all of them, for another time.) - however, I think it only courteous to actually ask the person doing all the work for their permission before taking it and bandying it around an admin meeting. Especially since most of them wouldn't know a decent piece of writing if it jumped up and slapped them in the face, let alone appreciate the fact that the People in Profile alone piece took 6 hours of my life which I will never get back and that's not to mention the time it took to type up Hugh's boring archaeological epics since he doesn't have a computer and they sent me asleep every time I started one so I can't even measure how long they took!

What I am really having difficulty understanding though, is what business it is of admin's anyway.... after all, the constitution does not say "the church newsletter must be approved by the congregational President, vice-President, Clerk and Treasurer, as well as the Pastor" does it? No. It doesn't. In case you haven't quite picked up my feelings about admin yet, let me iterate that I think they are well representative of the congregation at large with the exception of a few. That is to say ingrate Philistines.

Lastly, before I continue to address my concerns about your mismanagement of the church and the appropriation of admin as your personal posse in another epistle, may I just ask why it is exactly, that when I slagged off the entire congregation for being rude and noisy during Ms Nishimura's divine solo one Choir Sunday, no one raised so much as an eyebrow. When I dismissed the novel "The Da Vinci Code" for being a load of dross written by someone who only knows three adjectives and who has created a cast of cardboard cut outs with the emotional depth of a piece of plywood (or something like that) there wasn't even a murmur. But when I write about something that is actually important, that requires readers to actually think about someone other than themselves for more than 30 seconds for their lives, THEN you and your little coterie want me silenced?!

I hope you have a good explanation ready.


As usual,

Yours etc etc

Terri

Letters, 2.

Dear Colin,

Before I start proper, I thought I should perhaps apologise for being overly harsh in my last email; I said that I knew about 300,000,000 more words than you, actually though, to be fair, it's probably only about 250,000,000. So sorry to have maligned you.

To continue; I was wondering if you could tell me exactly why you and the admin team seem to think that a congregant wanting to celebrate Christmas by worshipping on Christmas Day is so strange? After all, thanks to the Romans, who were already celebrating Mithras Day, we celebrate Christ's birthday on the 25th of December, do we not? Why is actually opening the church on said morning such an odd concept to you? What really bothers me about the episode is that several of us offered to run a worship gathering ourselves and we were denied the chance to do so. I am wondering whether you are actually trying to bring people into our church or get rid of them. If indeed you are attempting the latter, may I say what an absolutely stunning mastermind of a plan it is that you have. You say that you discussed the issue with the "admin" and the Worship and Music elder. Well, since the "admin" have now returned from their thrice annual, seemingly interminable trips back home, I am sure they will be able to provide me with a sensible answer since you seemed to find it difficult. As for the Worship and Music elder having taken part in this discussion, since he is in attendance at weekly worship about as often as I am absent, which is to say hardly ever, I have to tell you that I find that fact oddly uncomforting.

Secondly, you kindly let me know that you hope if a congregant has an issue that you hope they would raise it in a constructive way. Well, perhaps someone could explain exactly how one is supposed to do that? Granted, I could have written you a 70 page epistle of epic poetry to convey my point, but frankly since only Ms Fuller would have truly appreciated it and she has gone right down in my estimation of late, I did not really see the point and in any case, I did not have the time. Also short of emailing the admin team, I wonder what it is you are expecting us to do? If you consistently ignore polite emails, you can hardly be surprised when they become terse now, can you?

Lastly, you generously informed me that threats to leave the church are unhelpful, I would never have guessed. But for the record, I did not threaten to leave the church; I pointed out that if forced to attend St Albans, there might be those of us who did not return. This is called sarcasm, the English use it a lot. The fact that Americans are not, as a rule well versed in its use, can hardly be considered my fault, you should have worked out by now that you work at Tokyo UNION church, not the American church in Tokyo. It is up to you to understand and appreciate other cultures, I know all I need to know about yours, having been bombarded with it through the media practically since birth.

Until my next missive,

Yours etc etc

Terri

Who wants to be a millionaire's confidante?!

Why do people much older and supposedly quite a bit wiser keep wanting to confide in me? I mean honestly, let's face it. We all know that I am crap in a crisis. Not only that but I have never been married so quite why these people want to tell me all the intimate details of their marital issues is beyond me. When I say "intimate", I really do mean, intimate. Frighteningly so, in fact. What on Earth makes them think that I am a suitable person to be listening to all this, I have no idea. Mind you, if ever I were thinking of beginning a career in pornography, I'm sure it would all come in jolly handy. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to divulge this week's little crisis since some of my readers know the people involved... needless to say it has to do with one half of a married couple doing something she definitely shouldn't be doing with someone who is not the other half of the marriage. And I got to hear just about everything she has been doing with him, because she is stupid enough to tell the other half of the marriage who wants his "friends" to know... What a splendid way to spend an evening. Not. People, please! I don't want to know. I am emotionally immature according to my emotional I.Q. test, I can't deal with you - seek professional help!

Letters, 1.

Inspired by Mel's marvellous idea for a play called Talks with JK Rowling, in which she has a one sided conversation with a poster of JK, and spouts witticisms about popular culture for an hour or two, I have decided to introduce a series of letters into my blog. In these letters I will spew all the pent-up venom I am currently stewing on, they will not be pretty and it is most likely that they will contain some extremely vulgar language - but thankfully, this space is not regulated by the "admin. thought police" and Big Brother was killed off at a freedom of speech rally, so the only person who can criticize my work, is me. At a much later date, I probably will have a go at my own bile too, but until then, I give you, to ignore as you wish, the first in series of "Letters to Boy Wonder."


Dear Colin,

It has occurred to me that I have been remiss in our correspondence recently, having received a number of emails from you that I have not yet answered. There are several reasons for my apparent lack of response; at the top of the list is the fact that your first email took such a patronising tone, that it made the blood rage through my veins at a temperature so hot that I was temporarily incarcerated in a mental asylum as I was a danger to myself and everyone around me; the doctors said it was a good job I do not see you on a daily basis, otherwise I might have found myself serving a life sentence at Her Majesty's pleasure. In short I was unavailable and could not reply for several weeks. Unfortunately, by the time I had regained my composure, you had sent out yet another poisonous little missive. Secondly, judging by your efforts, it seems that your vocabulary is disyllabic, therefore it has been necessary for me to attempt a note of epic proportions that expressed my dissatisfaction in a style that even you can understand. I do not work with idiots terribly often so as I am sure you can imagine, it took me rather a long time to write something that even someone as obtuse as you would appreciate. Regrettably, it took somewhat longer than anticipated, resulting in another irritating little jibe from you before I had had time to respond to your last. Finally, and quite frankly, despite the fact that I know about 300, 000, 000 more words than you obviously do, it took me an ice-age to think of a sentence that would suitably articulate my thoughts without being vulgar. In fact, surprisingly, I have not yet managed it, so until my next epistle, I will leave you with this simple opinion: I think you are full of shit.

Yours etc etc

Terri.

All bets are off.

OK, so everyone who had money on how long it would take me to change my mind about leaving TUC, can start counting their winnings... or their losses...

To what do we owe this about face I hear you ask? Well, two things; firstly a thorough telling off from Sunsook. Actually, to be entirely fair, she hasn't told me off yet, I am waiting for an email as she hadn't time to tell me what she wanted to after she had read the Tokyo Hurrah. She and Bill are leaving for Singapore this week, very gutting, I will really miss them, but hurrah - new holiday destination!! She told me that she would email me and that what she had to say would be "in love". This is "Christianese" for starting your sentence with "No offense, but..." in other words, you almost certainly won't like like it and will definitely take offence. Sunsook hasn't had a mention on the Hurrah yet, but she is another woman who is holy with a capital H and is also of uncommonly good sense. I adore Sunsook, she has a habit of telling it exactly how it is with no holds barred, I think she is possibly the most direct person I have ever met. So when Sunsook tells me that she has a lot to say to me but it will be "in love" - I absolutely know that I am in for a royal telling off. When so many people you respect tell you something, you can only arrive at one of two conclusions really; either they are all possessed by the devil, or (and this is the one I really didn't like) they are all right...
Then, I received two gifts I wasn't expecting; one of which was a Mary Quant cosmetic pouch with a matching mirror, so now I am in possession of two of them, both given to me by Japanese ladies old enough to be my Gran; very sweet but I wonder if they are trying to tell me something... that I should cover my unfortunate countenance with more make-up perhaps...? Oh well, I should be glad they didn't give me perfume or bath salts...!!
The second was a book. A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with Mary-of-the-uncommonly-good-sense, and for some reason, the subject of Dr Seuss came up, I said I had never read any since my mother thought it wasn't educational and wouldn't let me read his books. Anyway, aside from the fact that it was inordinately amusing, Mary's gift made me realise what has been glaring me in the face for the last few weeks. There are people at TUC who listen, more importantly, there are people at TUC who care about me (more fool them!) and I have spent nearly four years at that church building friendships - giving that up would be more than stupid. Then of course, there is the fact that if I leave TUC, the Other Side will have won, and we can't have that, can we? Plus, We studied a poem in 5th form, the exact wording of which I forget, but the essence has stayed with me, which was essentially that the author had stood by and watched when Hitler came for the Jews, the Catholics, the handicapped, the Gypsies, the Communists etc, because he did not belong to those groups, but when Hitler came for him, there was no one left to stand... I know I said I was tired of fighting, but if I don't stand up for what is right, even if it is unpopular, however will I answer for myself on judgement day...?

"Fox in socks on Knox in box...." I can quite see why my mother wouldn't have his books in the house; I loved it.

Mary, thank you for always listening, thank you for making me laugh and thank you for the gift of some of your good sense...

Analyse this....

Well, as I am actually feeling somewhat better about life since my last rant - possibly due to actually having had the rant - I thought I'd just pop on and blog a couple of dreams which have troubled me this week.

I was on a train as part of the TUC Youth Group {doesn't take a genius to analyse this one} and the train did not have any doors on one side. My friend Jason Kueh {who in reality leads Home Group 4 which is how I know him} was messing about with someone else who I either didn't know or just can't remember and he reckoned he could put his head outside the train and not fall out. Everyone was telling him not to but as the train went through a tunnel, he did. He was decapitated and there was blood everywhere, then his body fell out of the train as well. Needless to say there was a lot of screaming and La Hayman {of presidential fame, see my last post} came in to see what was happening. The train was stopped and there commenced a search for Jason's body which could not be found anywhere... there was other stuff but I don't remember it clearly.

The second one was last night and was about work.

A load of new teachers, some new to the company, some new to the branch, were in our teachers' room. One of them was a Texan girl with cropped bleached hair. Later in the day after we had all introduced ourselves I was messing around, I think I might have been on my way home or something but I decided to get changed into my jeans before leaving. {Since company policy is that we must be in office attire at ALL times when in and around the building, this was a bit rebellious especially since I am supposed to uphold company policy and set an example, not breach it blatantly} The Area Manager happened to be in the office as well but I didn't seem to care and was prancing about the teachers' room in jeans and a T-shirt with bare feet, the Texan bleached blonde was by the door wearing a chiffon scarf over her hair, muttering to herself and there was weird Middle Eastern music coming from somewhere. I danced about near her just as she was turning around and she started screaming at me that my bare feet had ruined her prayer cycle and why the hell hadn't I had the decency to at least wear some socks. I was stunned and she stormed off talking to herself about having to do it all again. Then one of the other new teachers said he had been supposed to give me a message several days ago but he had forgotten; special etiquette quality control had called and said the Texan girl was a fundamentalist Muslim and that they were going to send a pack in, telling us how to deal with the situation so as not to offend her sensibilities in any way. {We have personnel quality control - foreign personnel, and education quality control - education planning, but I'm pretty certain that special etiquette quality control came out of my fevered imagination.} I had a bit of a go at him and then the dream changed into a situation in the ruins of a castle in Wales where Tej had changed into my former friend Maninder and she was having a go at me about offending her religious sensibilities as well.... {Strange, since Tej is Hindu and Maninder is Sikh and I couldn't give a monkey's frankly as long as they aren't satanists but I wonder why no one is bothered about offending mine.... I heard that they've taken baby Jesus images off Christmas cards at home....apparently it might offend non-Christians....}

The Verdict is in; God definitely hates me.

Well it's been much longer than I planned but frankly, the events of the last few weeks have been so distressing that I haven't been able to think straight.

First, November got off to a cracking start when I transferred to a new branch which in my fevered imaginings was going to going to be an absolute Valhalla where I, the queen, obviously, would reign exultant surrounded by adoring subjects who wouldn't dare to cause me any problems. Fat chance. The first week was so utterly appalling, that we only have the lovely, gorgeous, charming, sensible Frank to thank for me not having resigned. Well, that and the fact that Japanese manager from Hell, Miki, who ignored me for two days straight and didn't do the paperwork that she was supposed to have done three weeks before I arrived, was transferred to another branch.

That all paled into a dull annoyance, though when compared to the events that have taken place at church over the last few weeks.



EvilNestle at large and doing well in Tokyo Church.


Is it just me, or is freedom of speech a basic human right in so-called democratic countries? So in my last edition of Koinonia, for want of something wittier and more intellectual to write, I published, under the title of "A letter from the Editor" a bit of a rant about how EvilNestle have taken over (via L'Oreal) The Body Shop. Well, having said my piece, I then moved on to thinking about what I could put in the next edition and that was the end of it...

Until that is, a patronising email arrived from our Assistant Pastor (we don't have a real one at the moment- not that he'd like me putting it quite like that) in our communications Elder's in-box. Before I move on, I should just point out that Wally, said Elder, is one of the good guys. In fact, he is THE good guy - it helps that he thinks the sun shines out of every single word I write! He also agrees with everything I say, making him the perfect choice for the hero of our piece.
So anyway, this email arrives and I won't print it because I'll probably get myself sued, but the essence of it was that "someone" had gone to see the AP to ask for the identity of the editor of Koinonia. Needless to say that my identity has long been a closely guarded secret, known only to my friends and The Council, so I do not believe the AP - henceforth to be referred to by my nickname for him, meant in the purely sarcastic sense of course, which is Boy Wonder - revealed my identity but the "someone" felt that as a church we should not be taking such a harsh stance on social issues. Now leaving aside the fact that "A Letter from the Editor" hardly constitutes a "church viewpoint" by any means; HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE IT????!?!?!?!?!?! And as if that weren't bad enough, Boy Wonder's little comment was to the effect that he agreed with the "someone". As you can well imagine this annoyed me more than almost anything I've been annoyed with for a long time.

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute; speak up and judge fairly; to defend the rights of the poor and needy.”
Proverbs 31:8-9

Perhaps I am misinterpreting this classic verse from Proverbs, perhaps I have the revolutionary life of Jesus, activist for the oppressed all wrong; but I doubt it. So having spent a good deal of time ranting at Wally (by email) and Mary-of-the-uncommonly-good-sense (on the phone) at myself (while asleep) and at my erstwhile colleagues, I decided it was time to get some actual, proper advice. You know, the sort where you actually do something pro-active rather than just have a rant. Next stop Jean Wilson, woman-who-Prays-with-a-capital-P. I kid you not, this lady has her own personal hotline to God - He actually talks back to her and stuff, sometimes it can be quite scary, especially when you ask her to Pray for something but you don't tell her everything and then all this stuff you didn't tell her but secretly wanted her to Pray about but were too scared/embarrassed/awkward to talk about comes spilling out of her mouth. Anyway, she is also a woman of uncommonly good sense and happened to be in the right place at the wrong time so I gave her the rundown and asked her what she thought I should do. Jean's idea was to write an article as myself, after all my identity is a secret, and say basically that I thought it was a good article but that we should focus on what we can do, in other words pray, buy Fair Trade and that sort of thing. Noted. A few weeks later I asked Wally why we, as a church, don't use Fair Trade coffee in our "Fellowship Hours" (Notice how we are not allowed to call it "Coffee Hour"? I don't know why, it isn't as if there is ever any tea....) He said he didn't know but he knew the person to interview about it, I said fine why don't you interview him, he said OK. Nancy, my alto partner in mishap and mayhem, was also fairly disgusted by this attitude from Boy Wonder and decided that she too, would write a letter to the editor to express her support for the editorial opinion. We'll leave that for a while and continue the events in their proper sequence.

The Grinch not needed here - We have TUC.

This next bit needs a little background, but essentially, Boy Wonder, is as I have said the AP not the P. Unfortunately, he seems to have taken on the P's job as well, and if you ask me. this is going to result in even more tears when the Reverend Barry Dawson (yes, we FINALLY finished our Pastor search!!) eventually arrives in March. Anyway, he and the so-called admin team, who are supposed to dot 'i's and cross 't's not make major decisions on our behalf, have started to become really Machiavellian recently and present major things at council meetings as decisions which have already been made instead of bringing them up for discussion. The trouble is, no one really knew what was going on until it was too late, and they had cancelled Christmas Morning Worship. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!?!? Apparently Boy Wonder is over-stretched, with four services on Christmas Eve (being a Sunday, plus the three Christmas Eve Services at 4, 7 and 9pm) he will self-destruct if he has to do Christmas Morning as well. Now see, I actually get that but several months ago, some of us suggested an interim pastor which is basically a short-term pastor who comes in and holds the fort so-to-speak until a real one can be found. Boy Wonder shot down the idea. Now his version is that he didn't see the point because the new bloke was supposed to be coming soon, not that he "didn't want and interim" but if you ask me, that's just semantics and amounts to the same thing. So what we now have here, is an AP who refused an older, more experienced P to help in a difficult time of transition and as a result, we cannot have Christmas Day service. Correct me if I am in any way wrong, but I always thought that we celebrated the birth of Christ on Christmas Day, not Christmas Eve, which is still Advent. So if anything had to go, surely it should have been half of the services on Christmas Eve? I also objected in a major way to the fact that "admin" had just gone on and made the decision without consulting anyone except our hapless Worship and Music Elder, Teddy, who fancies himself something rotten and is at church about as often as I am not, which is to say hardly ever. He will also not be around at Christmas. So I decided to email admin and point out that unlike them, we are not all smug ex-pats with so much money that we can fly home whenever we want, more-over, we do not all have family here and most Japanese friends have to work resulting in very lonely, miserable Christmases. So we would appreciate the church actually being open. Not to mention the fact that some of us would like to celebrate the birth of Christ on His birthday. I also pointed out that if we had to go to the Anglican church some of might not come back. It was sarcastic, I admit it, and sending sarcasm to a bunch of Americans may not have been the right approach, but I assumed that some sensible balanced people might also have done the right thing and emailed admin about the need to reverse their decision. How wrong I was. I have now discovered that TUC is full of people who don't actually give a shit, unless it affects them personally, and even then, they can't be arsed doing anything about anything. Anyway, when I have actually left the country and no one knows where I am, I will publish the email that I received in response to mine from Boy Wonder. I have NEVER been so patronised in my life, not even by my former boss who told me I "certainly had the smarts for a promotion" (DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING ME STARTED ON HIM). I was so shocked that it resulted in a full three weeks or so of ranting before I had calmed down enough to think about a response that would not include any swear words, having sent two drafts via Wally who as we already know, agrees with me on everything, but is far better at communicating with bureaucrats than I will ever be. By which time the next event in my saga of misery had occurred so I never bothered replying.


TUC - The axis of Evil?

The Koinonia deadline was looming so I decided that since I had some spare time a couple of Sundays ago I would do some work on the church computer. Boy Wonder saw me on it, and even asked me a couple of questions, I told him that the computer wasn't working properly and that it had refused to save my work and that it had closed the program and I had lost 2 hours worth of work and he said he knew the computer could be frustrating and left me to it.

The following Thursday at about 1AM I decided to check my email one more time before going to bed. What a mistake. Email from our hero passing on an email from Boy Wonder. Again, I fully intend to publish it when I am far enough away that they won't be able to find me in order to sue me. I really can't be bothered to go into it in detail, but the essence of it was, he had printed Koinonia off the computer, WITHOUT ASKING ME OR LETTING ME KNOW THAT THIS WAS HIS INTENTION, took it to the admin meeting and proceeded to discuss it. Granted, it is supposed to have Pastoral approval and I suppose to a degree I am at fault for not actually taking him seriously as a P because he is the AP but also because he is only 33 which to my mind makes him just like me, a kid pretending to be a grown-up, imagine going to him for counselling for a serious issue? I think not. But HOW DARE HE?! My biggest issue by far with this is that I had not finished it, so not only did they do it without my consent but they based their decisions on something that was a work in progress. Needless to say that it did not get the required approval, on account of the anti-EvilNestle comments, they also did not like Wally criticising the church -ie over the coffee thing. I cannot really describe how I feel adequately. It is so personal, I feel like someone watched me get dressed or something and the more I think about it -despite trying not to- the worse I feel; violated is probably a bit strong but.... I emailed Wally about eight times during the night, each time with a more abusive suggestion about what should happen to Boy Wonder and got pretty much no sleep at all which has been the precedent for most nights until now. They also had the cheek to criticise my writing and Nancy's, which considering the fact that I couldn't even edit Boy Wonder's contribution because I had no idea what he meant and none of the others have ever bothered to write anything, is fairly rich. There is also the fact that before I got my hands on it, Koinonia was basically a bulletin board which half the church didn't even bother to read. Now it's good, even if I do say so myself. It's actually a magazine with articles in it as opposed to 400 word comments on what the Alpha Team are doing next month. I should say "was" actually, naturally I have resigned. I am so upset that I am in fact going to name and shame the admin team right here:

(WARNING: ANY MEMBERS OF TUC READING THIS MAY WANT TO STOP HERE, IT ONLY GETS MORE OFFENSIVE.)

Pastor Colin Eversmann - Boy Wonder, "chief of staff" at the moment and main perpetrator of the crime.

Debbie Hayman - President of the congregation, until now looked upon as a model of Christian virtue although I view her as being similar to that horrible woman in Harry Potter 5 whose name escapes me, sickly sweet but what is hiding underneath? Always signs her emails "in His Service" which while it isn't as good as some of the ones jongudmund gets, still amuses me.
Although on reflection, it also pales when compared to the emails of another prominent member of the congregation who signs them "smiles" followed by her name, however, since she is on the good side, I will not name or shame her here.

Tsuyoshi Akiyama - Vice-President of the congregation, what do we need him for? He is another one who is away far more than he is here. Sometime choir member, most time absentee. Didn't really expect much from him because everyone knows he doesn't do anything, he's very good on procedure though apparently.

Alan Sorba - Who is he? No one knows, I think he is the church treasurer. The fact that I don't know him speaks for itself I think.

Jody Fuller - Church clerk, interviewee for Koinonia People in Profile spot. The one I am most deeply hurt and disappointed by; she is like Jean-woman-who-prays-with-a-capital-P and Mary-of-the-uncommonly-good-sense, that is to say Holy with a capital H. She well and truly let the side down over this one.

WHY DID NONE OF YOU STAND UP AND SAY THIS IS WRONG, YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE SOMEONES WORK WITHOUT ASKING? WHY DID NONE OF YOU DISCUSS IT WITH ME INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH WALLY IN THE FIRST PLACE? WHY ARE TWO PEOPLE IN THE CONGREGATION WHO WORK FOR EVILNESTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE 298 OF US THAT DO NOT AND EITHER DO NOT CARE OR THINK THAT SOCIAL JUSTICE ISSUES ARE IMPORTANT AND SHOULD BE DISCUSSED? WHY DID NONE OF YOU POINT OUT THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO WORK FOR EVILNESTLE, DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE NOT EVIL, AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT PRAYERFULLY BE RECONSIDERING YOUR CAREER OPTIONS? SINCE WHEN DID TUC BECOME A TYRANNICAL COMMUNIST STATE WHERE WE DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH OR A RIGHT TO SAY WHAT WE LIKE ABOUT THE SYSTEM AND MAKE PEOPLE THINK? SINCE WHEN DID THE CHURCH EXPECT CHRISTIANS TO BECOME DRONES AND ACCEPT WHAT THE LEADERSHIP SAYS BLINDLY WITHOUT QUESTION? ISN'T THAT PARTLY WHY WE HAD THE REFORMATION? IF I WANTED TO BECOME A MINDLESS AUTOMATON, I WOULD JOIN THE CATHOLICS.

What really has cut the deepest though is that none of my friends, except Wally and he had to as the Communications Elder anyway, bothered to stand up and tell them they are wrong either.
In fact, half of them told me that I should be more understanding of Colin because he is under so much pressure. that hurt royally. And leaving the whole interim business half way up the page, if I went through a colleague's bag, took out a story she had written, copied it, slagged it off to our other colleagues and then put it back - I would probably get fired. It would not matter how much "pressure I was under" and rightly so. What is wrong with this church that all of the people in it are such wusses? Another prominent member of the congregation thinks that the church is in the grip of the Other Side and we should do an exorcism, I do not often agree with him but in this case I am beginning to think he is right. I simply cannot understand this absolute lethargy that envelops everyone; just because a decision has been made, doesn't mean the people making it had any right to make it on our behalf and it doesn't mean that it is the right decision, it also doesn't mean that the decision cannot be changed. Why can no one stand up for what is right? How can anyone bear to think of our church, of any church with its doors locked on Christmas Day and not want to weep....? Anyway, I simply do not have the energy to fight by myself so I am not going to fight anymore, I will be worshipping elsewhere on Christmas Morning and I will not be returning. I feel bereft. I may get over it, in time, I may even put pen to paper once more, but I doubt I will ever be the same again.

The Big Old Tokyo Cult of TUC

After a reasonably nice but vaguely expensive lunch of lamb (ok) and cous cous (less than inspiring) with Mary, somehow I found myself being taken back to church for the monthly Evening Praise Service (or EPS for those on the "inside"). Normally, you understand, I would NEVER actually stay around to go to a *contemporary* worship service, but Mary seemed quite keen and as she is a woman of uncommonly good sense, I thought I may as well try it. Well, we started off with the requisite 6 praise songs I had never heard before (oh, alright, I knew one of them!)- each sung 20 times until everyone was sick of them, conveniently displayed on the wall courtesy of PowerPoint so that no one had an excuse for not clapping. The "Worship Band" which consists of 8 singers a guitarist and a pianist led us through what seemed like an interminable agony of cheesy arm raising and closed-eye swaying. I have to say that most of the while, I was simply trying hard, not to grimace. And then the long awaited for "message"- this week to be delivered by our church sexton, or caretaker for those not familiar with made-up church jargon. Now up until this point, I had considered him to be fairly sensible and conventional, I was interested to hear a "message" from a Japanese member of the congregation too, since I often wonder how the Japanese really perceive Christianity. He started out well with an anecdote about how he wanted to help more people within the community etc etc, and then moved on to his secret recipe for happiness in life; namely the three Ps... Partner, Prosperity and Peace, well I imagined he would be talking about God as a partner and spiritual prosperity (couldn't we all do with some of that?) leading to peace. How wrong I was. It kind of turned into a sermon on how to attract a nice bloke at church. I am not going to actually rant here as I'm sure you can imagine what I have to say about that anyway... As if that weren't sinister enough, the "leader" of our illustrious third service then "invited" us all to get up from our seats, move around the church until we were all in a circle and then HOLD HANDS. Shades of "Bind us together" at St. Mary Mag happening here but thank the Lord we didn't have to actually sing at that point. He just prayed. For a long time. And then we were free to sit back down and enjoy the next round of never-ending praise songs. Now you understand that I am not opposed to praise and worship music per se, I just object to having to sing everything 6 times. Twice, preferably once, would be enough. It's all so stage-managed that it seems more than slightly fake, too. But even then, if it's done well, it's almost enjoyable. The real problem with the EPS is that it isn't done particularly well. The fact that the Worship Band almost outumber the congregation is pretty sad in itself but that there are seven female singers and one bloke is silly. It is completely unbalanced, why don't they have a rotation system? Also despite the fact that they only have to do it once a month, they are disorganized and under rehearsed. Yes, yes I know, it's not about rehearsal, it's about God etc etc but the fact is that if they ran the 11 and the 8.30 services like that, no one would go. What further bothered me about the EPS is that there was absolutely NO Scriptural input whatsoever. Which might be why it all seems like a jumbled mess, perhaps they need to be more focused on say, a theme. But above all that, what REALLY spooked me was the EPS cult-like chant they do. Periodically one of them says "God is good!" and then everyone shouts back "All the time!" and then the first one goes "And all the time!" and everyone yells "God is good!" Now there is obvious truth in that but really... It seems to me that the EPS would be better off repeating the morning services but replacing the hymns with contemporary music, I bet people would go then.

Pastor Idol (Sorry C--, it was so good I had to nick it!)

It`s been a while, mostly because I`ve had the Koinonia and the PSC to deal with. Koinonia turned out better than the last one which was good. Although, actually, it hasn`t been distributed yet, so it might just be me that holds that opinion.... The last two weekends have been about the visiting pastors and I`ve been exhausted. Tonight was our meeting where we were intending to reach a decision and call one of them. We talked about it, didn`t agree, talked about it some more, didn`t agree and then talked about it some more and STILL didn`t agree. All this punctuated by copious amounts of pizza and praying. I wish it had been even slightly productive. Essentially, I can`t see us ever reaching an agreement where we are all happy and I am gutted. I feel really emotional. I had convinced myself that tonight would be the night to end all the responsibility and the worrying; instead there`s just going to be more of it. It`s endless. The burden I thought would be lifted has just got heavier. I wonder why I ever agreed to do this. I really do. I mean honestly, what do I care who our pastor is, as long as it isn`t someone hideous, I rarely saw the last one anyway. Whichever way you look at it, someone isn`t going to be happy, someone`s feelings are going to get hurt. The whole thing is horrible. I`d rather stay in my room and eat crisps. Instead I have a new teacher arriving tomorrow so I have to go to work extra early to make sure everything is clean and tidy and that we don`t scare the poor chap to death, oh, and I have to prepare his "welcome to the team probabtioner`s pack." I kid you not.

Congratulations Jane and Nori!!

So Jane`s baby finally turned up almost a week late! After I got back from the hair salon, I popped up to the hospital to see her. Having missed the train by 2 minutes, I got a taxi to the next station, legged it onto the platform without checking the train, discovered when it didn`t stop that it was the express, got off, turned round and eventually turned up at almost 8.30pm... the typical Tokyo Hurrah! Quite spooky I thought, finally managed to find the room and all the curtains were drawn so you couldn`t see who was in each bed... I didn`t want to disturb anyone so I ended up going outside the room to email her to find out! Only in Japan. Thankfully she had heard me sneaking around and came out to save me from the humiliation of being caught by one of the nurses!! Anyway, welcome to little Isla, who is very cute indeed. I couldn`t use the flash in as she was asleep and I had no inclination to wake her up and have her start screaming, also I had to crop this photo a little bit as I felt the vomit stains on her babygrow wouldn`t very flattering!!! Apparently her eyes are very blue; her sister`s are too, I cannot understand it, I thought brown was the dominant gene...?! Anyway...

The duet with Nancy went reasonably well, no major ghastliness. Nancy crept out before the end of the service, leaving me to single handedly deal with a solid half an hour of people wanting to say how marvellous I was.... it`s a hard life.. haaaaaaaa!

I was messing around on the net looking for someone I know but can`t find earlier and I came across an interesting murder case in the news. Apparently a woman shot her husband, a preacher, in the back and legged it. The responses were amazing, I wasted three hours reading blogs, news boards and articles about it before I even realised where the time had gone. It may even be closer to four or five hours now, as it is past 3am... They belonged to this cult/sect/"independent church" called Church of Christ, it all sounds like Opus Dei to me.... More than a wee bit sinister. I don`t want to waste another millennium on it but look it up, it`s fascinating... Mary Winkler. It is all a bit reminiscent of Sion Jenkins who was charged and jailed for murdering his foster daughter, Billie-Jo, I read so much about it, really believed he had been framed and then saw him interviewed by Trevor MacDonald and now I can`t quite bring myself to believe he did it, but he was SO slimy and I`m sure he was lying about everything. Even if he didn`t do it, I think he knows who did. What really bothers me about it though, is that according to the law, you have to be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that someone committed a crime, right? Well according to the court transcripts, there is NO WAY they proved their case. There was more than enough reasonable doubt. The fact that if you beat someone over the head with a pipe, you should be covered in blood for a start...... Again, feel free to look him up, I`ve already ranted enough...

Onto happier topics, the PSC meeting wasn`t as bad as expected, actually it was quite good and I am feeling much more positive about the forthcoming visits. The hair salon was lovely, Jun is climbing the rungs of the stylists` career ladder, now he has minions who hand him things... I kid you not, he actually has someone stand behind him and slightly to the right to hand him his scissors, hairdryer and sprays and things... it`s really quite funny, they make you feel like a princess, so they should however, because the place costs a fortune. I like the head and shoulder massages best, though...

It`s far too late for this, I don`t know why I`m still up - I`m off to bed...