I know I said I was going to leave off the blogging for a bit...

... but something happened this week that upset me so much I have to get rid of it because I can`t actually sleep at the moment... A little while ago, Mary-of-the-uncommonly-good-sense and Jean-who-Prays-with-a-capital-P, asked me why I didn`t just write a journal if the purpose of blogging was to vent. A journal, they (or one of them) argued was much more private than washing your dirty laundry all over the Internet... I had to agree and couldn`t really think of a good reason why blogging is infinitely more satisfying... well, I think I have finally figured out that for me, at any rate, if I keep a journal, the book is in my room. It`s always there. Whatever was bothering me is still hanging around, but by pressing "publish" I feel like I`m very much sending it away... Might not work for this though, but we can but hope.

I was on my way to the station on Wednesday, annoyed as usual, because I had been determined to catch the earlier train and thus arrive 45 minutes before my shift instead of 20. Obviously, I then started reading and before I knew it, I was destined to catch my usual train. Well, as I got to the elementary school I heard this awful wailing, I thought it might be a child in trouble, don`t know quite what I thought I would be able to do about it but I went in the direction of the noise anyway... As it turned out, it wasn`t a child at all. It was a tiny tiny kitten being attacked by a crow. And when I say "crow" what I mean is a huge devil bird the size of a vulture with beady evil eyes and a beak the size of a carving knife. I was absolutely rooted to the spot but as soon as brain started working again I legged it towards the pair, hoping to frighten the crow off. Well it didn`t go anywhere. Just kept picking the little kitten up by the leg in its beak and trying to fly off with it. The kitten was wailing and the crow was squawking and I started to panic because believe me, you do NOT want to mess with a crow. When it realised I wasn`t going anywhere it left off the kitten but just fluttered a bit to the side... I couldn`t get close enough to do anything at the point but something startled the crow and it hopped up onto the nearest rooftop, still glaring down at me and the kitten just stood there in the middle of the street. I tried to make it run away to safety but it didn`t move at all. I realised that I had a slight problem then - that the kitten was either too frightened or it couldn`t see or something and there was the crow still glaring down at both of us so I couldn`t leave it... luckily at that point a car came round the corner and the crow flew up to a telegraph pole although it was still looking at me and the kitten I felt a little bolder and tried to think of something to do... I had a hand towel in my bag -(benefits of turning Japanese, I really think so!)- so I put it on the ground and tried to make the kitten walk onto it but it wouldn`t so I picked it up and realised that the thing was utterly mangy and seriously small. I wrapped it up and started legging it down the street as the crow was coming closer again and tried to think sensibly about what the hell I was going to do with a kitten when I was supposed to be going to work. Thought about calling in sick although decided against it as I had missed the call-in time by about 3 hours and it would cost me half a day`s pay plus the lessons I wouldn`t be teaching - and I couldn`t imagine that the excuse of having rescued a kitten and needing to take it home would go down awfully well, might even have serious consequences given the current climate at NOVA at present. Then I thought about dropping it off at a vet and promising to come back for it. There aren`t any vets in Shibamata. Then I thought about taking it to work. Decided that was not really on as I didn`t know if anyone had any allergies and I might get myself into serious trouble for that too. I thought about taking it to the local shrine and begging the monks to take it until I got home... the monks weren`t there. So I made the only decision I felt I could make and hid the kitten in the grass where I hoped the crow wouldn`t be able to find it, wrapped in my towel and promised it that I would come back and take it home. All day I looked forward to taking it home and cleaning it up and finding it a nice home... I even chose a name, Marmalade, which I suppose was a bit daft really... The trains were majorly delayed and by the time I got home it was gone 10pm and I ran to the shrine to look for Marmalade hoping that it would still there. And it was. But it was dead. So I killed a kitten this week. All because I was too cowardly to say stuff the rules and take it to work and find a box for it. And I am convinced it is haunting me because every time I close my eyes I see it in my head, settling in my arms as I ran down the street... and I am worried that the crow is coming after me for stealing its lunch... Why was I so stupid? Why?